I never dealt with PPD after I had Lyric. Many things came easy with Lyric that didn't with Kuyper. Neither of my labors with them were easy, and both were long, 23 and 22 hours. Breastfeeding came naturally for Lyric and me, it didn't with Kuyper. TMI here, but in the first week I had blisters and bleeding nipples from a bad latch. As Kuyper got bigger, his latch got much better, and things were easier, but breastfeeding was not something I enjoyed with Kuyper like I did with Lyric, but I pushed through because I knew it was best for Kuyper.
I've gotten a bit off topic, but all this to say, PPD was not something I was expecting. It made writing Kuyper's birth story difficult. It's honestly been hard for me to process his birth, but I'm finally to the point where I'm ready to write it all down as I remember it, a year later. I do want to put this disclaimer in here, that if you are struggling with PPD, please don't be embarrassed to reach out for help. I was at first, but I'm so thankful for a supportive husband, mother, godly counseling, and some really wonderful friends who encouraged me to get help. I'm positive God used them to save my life because things got very very dark for awhile. God is good though. I still have my moments, but I am doing so much better than I was. Biblical counseling and taking care of my health through exercise, healthy eating, and supplements has really brought me out of the darkness.
Now on to Kuyper's birth. Kuyper was due on May 20, 2016. My whole pregnancy we were preparing for the fact that I'd probably have to be induced 3 weeks early like I was with Lyric because of how likely you are to get cholestasis in subsequent pregnancies. But I never got it with Kuyper, praise the Lord, so 37 weeks came and went. And 40 weeks came and went. I had contractions off and on every day for the last few weeks of pregnancy. Several times I thought I might actually be in labor. I even lost my mucous plug at 39 weeks, but labor never came. I was so discouraged, really I was in a terrible place mentally/emotionally. I was also physically miserable. My OB wanted to induce me by 41 weeks because of how big Lyric was at just 37 weeks, and she worried about Kuyper's size. I really wasn't worried about his size, but I was so ready to have him. So we set an induction date for May 26, 2016.
I was hopeful that since this was my second baby that labor would be easier and shorter. I prepared most of my pregnancy for a natural childbirth. I read books, watched videos, practiced relaxation techniques, had a calming music playlist, made Scripture cards to get me through the toughest times, did spinning baby moves to make sure baby was in a good position, and spent so much time on my birthing ball that it seemed like it was a part of me. I had a birth plan written out, and my OB was in support of it. We would try to induce labor with a foley bulb and do what we could to avoid pitocin. I did not want an epidural because I'd gotten one with Lyric and it only worked from the waist down and I was miserable. My goal was to use water, rebozo, counter pressure, breathing, and support from my doula and husband to make it through the pain. I was prepared and confident I could do this thing, until the night before the induction. My nerves began to take hold, and I couldn't sleep. Things were starting off very similarly to Lyric's birth. I couldn't sleep the night before I was induced with her because of nerves either.
I slept for 1.5 hours before we had to get up insanely early to be at the hospital to start my induction with Kuyper. Going into labor with practically no sleep is not a good thing. The thing I love the most about the hospital I gave birth in both times is the nurses. Park Ridge has amazing nurses, and the one that started my induction was amazing. She was training to be a midwife and was so supportive of everything in my birth plan. She was very encouraging and spoke up for me when I was feeling pressured to have interventions I didn't really want. At 7:30am on May 26, 2016, I had the foley bulb inserted. I was already dilated to almost 2cm, and within a few minutes of it being inserted, I started having contractions. They were mild and totally doable, but they made it hard to get any rest. With the foley bulb I was able to get up and walk around so I could help the contractions along.
With walking, my contractions became more regular and got stronger, so I was really encouraged. I can't remember how long the foley bulb was inserted, but after several hours they removed it and I was dilated to between 5 and 6 cm. The midwife who was on duty tried to convince my to have my water broken at that point, but I wasn't ready. My nurse convinced her that we could strip my membranes and using the breast pump to see if we could intensify the contractions. We did this for an hour or two and the midwife wanted to check me again. I believe I was still at 6 cm at this point, and I agreed to have my water broken because breaking my water with Lyric really got things going.
After she broke my water, I started walking around more. The contractions were definitely more intense at this point, and some of them I had to stop and sway with my husband to get through them. I decided at this point that I wanted to get into the birthing tub for awhile. The hot water and jets were so nice and relaxing, but the contractions definitely still hurt. I believe I got out of the water so I could use the restroom, honestly all the details of the next few hours are a bit fuzzy. It was right at dinner time at this point and my dad came to bring dinner to everyone and he brought my oldest two kids to see me. This was a hard visit because my contractions were very painful and I didn't want to scare the kids with the pain I was in, but it did my heart good to see them. They only stayed for a short while, and then we were back to it.
I was really hoping when I went in that the nurse that induced my labor would be the one I would give birth with. She really was so wonderful, but sadly, I hadn't made much progress past 6cm when it was time for a shift change. I was really discouraged at this point. Labor was hard and things had been going on for 12 hours or more already. I was tired and just wanted to rest. Shift change happened, and in walked the nurse who helped deliver Lyric, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I really liked her, and she was so helpful in my labor with Lyric. She was supportive of my natural birth plan and tried to encourage me along with that plan.
I don't really remember when my OB came in, but I was having super intense contractions. She wanted to monitor my contractions with an internal contraction monitor since I wasn't progressing. She said needed to make sure my contractions were strong enough. At this point I felt so very defeated. I was in horrible pain, I'd been sitting in the hot shower on a birthing ball trying to relax through contractions, I labored in a couple of different positions, used the rebozo, several different things, but I was struggling. Then with the added internal contraction monitor and having to be hooked up to monitor baby, I was miserable. Just thinking about this point of my labor gives me anxiety. I felt out of control and pressured with all these interventions. I couldn't move or stand up for contractions because they were trying to measure the baby's heart rate, but he was being stubborn. So I had to lay back in the bed, and with each contraction I felt like I was being ripped apart.
I think when they inserted the monitor the nurse checked me to see how far along I was, but she wouldn't tell me how far I was dilated so I wouldn't get my hopes up or down. This actually really frustrated me, but I was so exhausted that I didn't really speak up. I came to find out later that I was 8cm at that check. When she checked me, I told her I wanted an epidural. She tried to talk me down and stalled me for an hour or so and they gave me fluids in case I did decide to have it. My doula and husband tried to help me with different positions to help with labor. At this point there were suspicions that Kuyper was turned sunny side up. Contractions were horrible, but I was stalling because the baby wasn't in a good position for birth. I was throwing up and shaking and felt like I couldn't relax through my contractions at all. In my head, I felt completely out of control, and I just needed to be able to relax and rest.
By the time I got the epidural, I was still at 8cm, so stuck in transition because of baby's positioning, and I'd been in labor for 17 hours or more. I knew since I was so far along in labor that the epidural wouldn't remove all the pain, but I was hoping it would do enough that I could actually relax through the contractions to let them do what they needed to do. And the epidural did just that. It wasn't like the one I had with Lyric. This one didn't even completely numb my legs, but it took the edge off the pain, and the contractions were manageable. I was very thankful, but I also worried that my mom, doula, and husband would be disappointed in me for giving in and getting the epidural. I had worked so hard to try and be prepared for a natural birth, and I felt like a failure for a long time, and sometimes still do, all because I gave in and got an epidural.
I don't regret getting it now, knowing that Kuyper was OP positioning, meaning he was sunny side up. This is why it seemed like my contractions weren't doing anything and why they were so intense. After I got the epidural, I was able to allow my body to relax, and it did what it was supposed to. The contractions worked Kuyper down and he did eventually rotate to be born in the correct position, despite it giving him a pretty decent bruise on his head when he turned.
When I got to 10 cm, I still wasn't completely effaced and needed to labor down for awhile. My nurse had me do some practice pushes to make sure I could still feel well enough to push, and I definitely could. About an hour before I gave birth, the OB wanted to give me piton just to help things along, and I guess it's also something they do to help with all the afterbirth stuff and for bleeding or something like that. Anyway, I was on the pitocin for an hour when I felt like I needed to push. I could feel Kuyper ready to come out, and the urge to push was overwhelming. By the time the OB got in and set up, I was able to push Kuyper out in 2 contractions. This was the best part of the labor. Pushing through contractions is such a sweet relief to me, and not to mention, they brought in a mirror so I could watch Kuyper be born. I thought I'd be grossed out by the mirror, but it was really the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I was so thankful it was brought it and it gave me the encouragement I needed to get him out. Pushing with Kuyper was much easier than it was with Lyric. I pushed for about 2 hours with her and ended up with an episiotomy because her big head and how hard of a time I was having. I only ended up with a minor tear with Kuyper, and recovery was so much easier.
With Kuyper, I could feel perfectly how to push him out, I could even feel the infamous ring of fire as he crowned. Thankfully, that didn't last long, but his actual delivery was so beautiful. He was put directly on my chest, they didn't cut his cord until it stopped pulsing, and we were allowed to have skin to skin time for as long as we wanted. He wanted to nurse shortly after being born, and it was so sweet. Those first few hours with your new baby are really so very precious. I was exhausted after 22 hours of labor and only 1.5 hours of sleep, but he was so worth it.
Now at almost a year old, Kuyper is the sweetest and most joyful baby. His smiles lights up a room, and he loves to make strangers smile. He also sleeps so much better than his big sister did as his age. He sleeps through the night, and he even sleeps in his own room, which is glorious because that's something Lyric didn't do until she was almost 2 years old!
I am truly thankful for all the support I had during labor and delivery from my husband, my doula (Chelsea West), my mom, and my nurses. They were all wonderful and so encouraging, even when I probably wasn't being the nicest. Now, if you read all this, you can now enjoy my birth through pictures. I promise, there aren't any graphic ones. lol. Thanks to my mom and husband for getting these photos.
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| Eric was fanning me while I was in the shower on the birthing ball |
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| When I saw Kuyper's head crowning |
