The Birth of Ransom Gabriel

I'm sitting here holding the sweetest 11 day old baby boy and feeling so very blessed. He wasn't due for another 6 days, but I'm so thankful he's been in our arms for 11 days now. Our family is in a state of exhausted bliss. I thought that while Ransom's birth is still fresh in my mind that I'd write it all out. This is going to be very long, so thanks if you stick it out. I mostly write these out for myself and for my kids to have one day.

So our original intention for this birth was to have an unmedicated birth and use the birth center attached to the hospital with our midwives. But I hit 36 weeks and 2 days and started having symptoms of cholestasis. Cholestasis is the liver disease I had when I was pregnant with Lyric. It can be very dangerous for baby if you go past 37 weeks, so they typically induce you by that point. I called my midwives and they had me come in immediately for lab work and a non-stress test to make sure our baby was still doing well. The thing with the test for cholestasis is that it takes a week to get back because of only a couple of labs in the country processing those tests. The plan was for me to have NSTs every 3 days until results came in, but even if my levels weren't super elevated, they would be inducing me by 39 weeks no matter what because it can take weeks for your levels to increase on the bloodwork, and they didn't want to risk the safety of our baby.

Well, a week after my bloodwork, the midwife called to check on my test results, and someone had canceled my lab order so my blood never got sent off to be tested. Things had been getting messed up at the hospital with all the Covid stuff that's happening. Needless to say, I was a wreck. Here I was, 37 weeks 2 days pregnant with all the symptoms of cholestasis not knowing if I had it for sure and knowing that each day our baby stayed in my womb could mean he was in danger. My midwife decided she wanted me to come into
 the hospital the next day, Saturday, June 20th, to have another NST. So that's what I did.

While I was there, my midwife had been meeting with the OB that was on call and the high risk doctor to talk about my case. Ransom was passing all of his NSTs and was head down and had good fluid on each ultrasound. The doctors and midwives, after discussing my case, came in to talk to me. Keep in mind, Eric is home with the kids trying to finish a shed to have extra storage so we could have room for the new baby, and my parents weren't planning to be in town until Tuesday, June 23rd and they live 12 hours away. So here I am, at the hospital on June 20th and the midwives and doctors tell me they want to induce me that day because I most likely have cholestasis since I've had it in the past and we're already past the safety threshold. So while our baby is still healthy and doing well, they want to get him out before things turn south.

Cue a freak out moment for me. I was not expecting to be told I was going to be induced that day, my husband wasn't expecting it, my parents weren't expecting it. So I asked my midwife to give me a few hours to go home and help my husband pack up stuff for our kids and talk to our friend to see if she and her husband could keep our kids until my parents could get into town. This was about 2:30 or so in the afternoon and she told me to plan to be back at 7pm that night. So I got busy messaging my parents and our amazing friends. My parents started to pack up and head our way, and our friends so graciously and willingly took our older 3 kids for the night. And they loved our kids so well. Our kids had never stayed the night with anyone but our parents, and they were so well cared for by our friends and had the best time swimming, having a bonfire, and doing tractor rides at our friends' house. We are so blessed to have an amazing support system in our church family here in Michigan. We have felt so loved by them.

Anyway, Eric and I packed everything, got the new carseat installed, and dropped our kids off with our friends. We left their house, had a mini date in the car on the way to the hospital, stopping at Five Guys for dinner.

We got to the hospital a little after 7, got checked in at labor and delivery (I wouldn't be able to use the birth center since I was being induced) and got settled into our room. Our goal was still to have as natural of a  labor as possible without an epidural if at all possible, but I was holding this plan with an open hand since an induction almost 3 weeks early would make things more challenging.

My midwife checked me to see what our starting point was. I was 1cm dilated and 50% effaced with baby at -2 station, so not a bad place to start at 37 weeks 3 days. We discussed my options for induction and decided to start with the Cook's Catheter, basically a foley bulb, to see if this would get my labor started. This is how I was induced at 41 weeks with Kuyper, and the Foley bulb got my contractions started immediately. My midwife agreed to give me a couple of hours with the foley bulb to see what happened, and if I didn't start contractions we would discuss starting pitocin at the lowest dose. The cook's catheter was inserted at 8:40pm, and we began to wait.

During this time I had occasional contractions but nothing regular or painful. The biggest thing I struggled with during this time was my fears. I was feeling very emotional and scared that I was going to have the same induction experiences I'd had with Lyric and Kuyper. Kuyper's birth had somewhat traumatized me, and I'd really been working through those fears during this pregnancy, but starting off my induction with Ransom the same way we did with Kuyper was triggering all kinds of fears for me. My midwife came in at one point and talked through those with me. She encouraged me to spend time doing anything I could to relax and re-center my thoughts into a positive direction. Being in bed was causing me anxiety, so my nurse got a birthing ball out for me to allow me to get out of bed but still rest.

At this point, I got on the ball beside the bed and put in my headphones to listen to my Christian hypnobirthing tracks, mainly the Scriptures and positive affirmations. I did some of the breathing exercises as well and had Eric get my diffuser going with clary sage and lavender to have calming scents going, and Eric and I prayed together. I was able to get into a much better headspace and not feel so afraid. Sometime during these few hours, Eric and I watched an episode of Psych to try and get me laughing and keep my mind off things as well.

Somewhere around 11:30pm my midwife came in to discuss pitocin with me. I was scared to start it, but I also knew we needed to get baby out. So we agreed to start it on the lowest dose and we'd gradually increase it as needed. They started my pitocin, and I had consistent contractions start around midnight. The contractions weren't super painful, but they did come every 2-4 minutes, so that made it impossible to sleep. I labored on the birthing ball and while standing beside the bed trying to keep moving baby boy down. At some point during the night I was getting very tired and my nurse suggested laying in bed with a peanut ball between my legs to open up my pelvis but to also allow me to try and rest between contractions. I think I laid like this for about an hour total before I couldn't take it anymore. My legs weren't comfortable, and I hated being in the bed. So back to the birthing ball I went. We ended up raising my bed up high so I could lay my head on it and lean against it to try and sleep between contractions.

My contractions were getting more painful, but they were still really manageable with my deep breathing techniques and with Eric helping me to relax through massage, counter pressure, and just being close to me. I listened to my birth play-list that was filled with Psalms and worship music as well and that really helped keep me focused.

At 7am my midwives switched. The one who started my induction was actually a midwife I'd never met before, and I honestly struggled a bit with that. The midwife that came on at 7am, I had met with multiple times in the office and she'd always been so encouraging to me. I was so happy to see her, and I have to say, she was such an incredible support system to Eric and me during my labor. At 8:40 am she came back in to take out the Cook's catheter, it could stay in for up to 12 hours, and to check me to see what kind of progress I was making. At this point my pitocin had been increased multiple times, I think I was around 10 or 12 ml, and the max they put you on is 20. My contractions were stronger, but I was still coping really well.

So my midwife checked me at 9am, and I was at about 7cm. I was super encouraged by this because I was convinced I was only going to be 3 or 4 cm since the catheter wouldn't fall out on its own. My midwife then offered to do a strong membrane sweep to get things going more. And holy cow, this was the most intense sweep I've ever had, but it got things going more. Here's a TMI warning for the rest of my birth story for those who are grossed out by blood and such things. Lol. The membrane sweep strengthened my contractions, and I started to have a lot of bloody show. I was requiring Eric to do hip squeezes and counter-pressure on almost all my contractions at this point.

I decided I wanted to try laboring in water for relief; I was having consistent lower back pain and thought the water could really help. We chose to try the shower first, and the nurse came in to put a different monitor on me so I could be in the shower. I got in the shower, and I hated it. I was cold and shivering, even with the hot water on me and the pressure of the water just annoyed me. So I got out, and I asked my midwife if I could labor in the portable birthing pool they had.

My midwife checked on a few things and then she, Eric, and the nurse got the pool set up for me. During this time I was laboring on the birth ball and standing beside the bed. At times I labored on the toilet as well to help open my pelvis more and to relieve some pressure on my tailbone. The contractions while sitting on the toilet really sucked, but I also felt like they really helped. Once the pool had enough water in it, I got in and felt sweet relief. It helped my back pain so much. The contractions were still really painful, but the water really took the edge off. The only downside is I got hot. Eric got me ice chips and had a fan blowing on me, and that helped me for awhile. I eventually had to get out because I had to pee really bad and I needed to cool off. I was having a ton of bloody show at this point and really strong contractions. I labored on the toilet for a handful of contractions, then I got off and labored while standing beside our bed. Eric helped me with hip squeezes, gentle back rubs, and by letting me lean on him and sway with him. I decided I wanted to get back in the water for awhile, and I labored for probably another 30 mins or so in the pool. I kept getting super hot, so I decided to get out again.

I labored all over the room at this stage of labor. Sometimes on the toilet, sometimes on the ball, sometimes standing beside the bed or swaying with Eric. With each contraction, I would say in my mind, "relax, release, open." At one point the nurse came in to check my vitals or something and asked me how I was doing this because the pitocin was at an 18 and I wasn't screaming for an epidural like most women were at a much earlier stage with pitocin. I was just thinking, it's only the Lord because I didn't have any other explanation for how I was handling things so well. I was super exhausted and feeling like I couldn't keep going much longer.

I think the midwife came in around 1:30 or 2pm, and I was struggling and wanted her to check me because I was feeling more pressure and wanted to see if we were getting close. The midwife had been in the room at several points during my labor and she would do hip squeezes for me to give Eric a break and would lightly touch places I was holding tension to help me relax and release. She was honestly amazing and encouraged me so much. I would tell her how exhausted I was and how I wanted to be done, and she kept telling me she knew but that I was strong and doing amazing. I felt motivated to keep going because of her encouragement. My experience with her was night and day from the experience I had with my OB when I was in labor with Kuyper. Having a midwife who was so supportive of my birth plan and so helpful throughout the labor process was truly healing for me.

Sorry, I keep getting side tracked and this is turning into a book, but we're almost to the end. My midwife checked me and I was only at 8cm, and I felt so defeated. I'd only progressed 1cm in 5 hours of really tough and active labor. She told me she could feel my waters bulging and that she could break my water for me and that there was a good chance my labor would kick into high gear and be really intense but baby could come soon since I had so much pitocin built up in my system. When she did this, I'd been at a level 18 out of 20 with the pitocin for awhile. I agreed to her breaking my water because I just wanted our baby here.

Once she broke my water, things immediately got more intense. I got up and stood at the end of the bed and my contractions increased in intensity by 10 fold. The whole time I'd been laboring I was able to stay pretty quiet, just breathing deeply and moaning deeply on my exhalations to encourage baby down and my body to relax. I was no longer able to do this. My moans got louder and louder. Eric doing hip squeezes didn't help at all so I just shook my head for him to stop. I had about 3 or 4 contractions and I started to feel the need to push with each contraction. My midwife told me to push as I felt like I needed, which I already was because my body just did it automatically. This part, I found out later, was hard for Eric because he felt useless because in my past labors I was told when to push and he helped hold my legs. This time I just went with my body, which is what I'd wanted to do, but I think it was unexpected for Eric and he wasn't prepared for this part. I ended up getting up on the bed onto my hands and knees to push. I'll spare you some of the details, but needless to say things were gross and painful, lol. With each contraction, I was getting louder/screaming and saying I have to push. I didn't realize this at the time, but apparently nurses had called the room to make sure everything was okay in our room because I was being so loud. Oops, sorry to any laboring mothers I scared. It was all very primal, and I felt very out of control. I've never been a screamer during labor, and I had been doing so much preparation to have a calm labor and delivery, but I just couldn't help but scream. The pitocin made things so intense and Ransom descended so quickly. I began to feel the ring of fire each time I pushed, and it made me scream even more. I'd never felt it so intensely in my other labors because of having epidurals. I'd felt it some with Kuyper, but this was a whole other level of pain and intensity that I've never experienced. I was pushing so hard with each contraction and I could feel Ransom's head crowning but I couldn't get him out, the whole time screaming that it burns and just so badly wanting him out. I remember screaming, "Why won't he come out?!?!" My midwife and nurses encouraged me to flip over because they felt that I would be able to get baby out on the next contraction if I was in a different position. I said, I didn't know if I could flip over. I was out of my mind and couldn't think straight at all. My nurses helped me flip over and as soon as I was on my butt Ransom's head came out. His cord was wrapped around his neck, which really scared Eric because Ransom also wasn't crying. I couldn't think about anything but the relief I was feeling and then finished pushing Ransom's body out. My midwife immediately placed him on my chest, and I started bleeding very heavily. They increased my pitocin and were able to get in under control, but it was a very scary time for Eric, he told me this afterwards. His wife was covered in blood and his baby had his cord around his neck and wouldn't cry, so it was a bit traumatizing for him. Ransom was breathing and would make a little bit of noise and I just kept saying, "Thank you Jesus!" because I was so relieved to be done and have my baby on my chest. The nurse asked to check on Ransom since he wasn't crying and took him to the warmer to monitor him just to be safe. It turns out, his levels were all fine, he was just really chill and calm. Eric was able to go over and be with him while I got 2 stitches for a minor 1st degree tear and then my baby was able to come back to my chest for more skin to skin time.

My midwife joked with Eric and I afterwards that she'd see us again in about a year to have another child since we did so amazing with this childbirth. And we both laughed and said to maybe give us 2 years. I apologized for screaming so much at the end, and she kept saying I did so amazing and that she expected the screaming. I guess that's a pretty normal response when you have such a high dose of pitocin. I went from 8cm to our baby being born in about 30 minutes time. So while it was an insane 30 minutes, it was over quickly. My 15 hour labor was honestly very peaceful and went exactly how I wanted it to except for how crazy I was during the last 30 minutes. I felt really supported and loved by my husband and midwife. I felt so weak, but God gave me the strength to get through. It was all Him and nothing in me. I don't feel like more of a woman because I gave birth without an epidural this time. I think it's easy to give into pride when you're able to give birth without pain meds, but it truly wasn't me doing this in my own strength, it was all the Lord. His power is displayed in our weakness, and for that I'm so thankful. All in all, this labor experience was very healing for me after the experience we had with Kuyper's labor.

Now for the past 11 days, we've been loving on this sweet boy of ours, completely infatuated with him. His siblings adore him, and we're all pretty obsessed with him. Eric and I feel like we could have a million more babies after Ransom because he's just so precious. We are a very blessed family, and I'm so thankful God changed my heart about having more kids.

We didn't get many pictures during labor because it was just Eric and I in the room due to covid 19 restrictions, but Eric got a few on his phone, so I'll share some of those and some of our kids with Ransom since he was born.

Moving On

For the past 10 years, Eric and I have made our home in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina. We started our life together here as we entered into marriage at Bat Cave Baptist Church, and we've grown our family together here. We love this place and the people in it, and we love our church dearly.

Living in the mountains was really a dream come true for me.  I was a farm girl that grew up in the flat lands of Eastern North Carolina close to the beach, but almost every year growing up, our family would take trips to the mountains. I always loved those trips so much, and would be in awe of the splendor of God's creation here.

When I graduated high school, I was thrilled to go off to college at Gardner-Webb University in the foothills of NC. My dad started college (then known as Fruitland Baptist Bible Institute) at the same time as me, but he was about an hour west of where I was attending school. On the weekends, I'd come visit my parents in the mountains and go to church with them, and this is when I really began to fall in love with the mountains and the people of Bat Cave Baptist Church. Bat Cave became my family when I was just 18 years old (13 years ago!!!).  They loved my family and supported us and prayed for us and encouraged us. It only seemed natural that when it came time for Eric and I to get married that we'd marry at Bat Cave Baptist Church.

The people of Bat Cave were so good to Eric and I as we prepared to get married. They stepped up and threw us a wedding shower, prepared food for the reception, a dear friend did all the flowers for the wedding, and another dear friend took our photos. We didn't have to do much of anything, and we were so blessed. Our wedding day was beautiful and we shared our first kiss ever on the stage of Bat Cave Baptist Church in front of family and friends. It's one of our sweetest memories, and we'll forever be grateful for everything that our church did for us.

After our wedding we moved on to New Orleans to serve with Samaritan's Purse and help those who had been affected by Hurricane Katrina. When our time in New Orleans was up, we knew Bat Cave was where we were supposed to move to. So in June 2007, we loaded up our camper and came back to the beautiful mountains of NC.

Back in North Carolina, we had plenty of ups and downs. In our 10 years here, we've lived in 7 different homes, one of those being the church parsonage for 2 years. Eric and I have seen friends come and go in our 10 years here. We learned how to function as a married couple here. We were just kids when we got married, and now we're just a bit bigger kids. We've been so blessed to be a part of a church family that has supported us through so many tough times and so many wonderful times.

Our church family prayed for us as we lost our first child to a miscarriage and then struggled through years of infertility. Our church family supported us as we became foster parents and rejoiced with us as we adopted our precious Shaun. Our church family continued to rejoice with us as we found out we were pregnant with our darling Lyric and then our adorable Kuyper. Our children have been growing up in this church and have made some sweet friends here.

All of this and more is why making this announcement is so bittersweet. Bat Cave has been our home and our family, and Bat Cave will always have a part of our hearts, but God has seen fit to move us on to a new stage of life. Many know that Eric has been in Bible college for the past few years. He has a passion for teaching the Bible, and he has desired to enter a role that would allow him to teach more for quite awhile. He has loved being the worship pastor at Bat Cave, but we've known that God was moving us on from that role for some time now. God has opened up the doors for Eric to become the Discipleship Director at Redeemer Community Church in Dearborn, Michigan. Yes, we're moving to Michigan. It's hard to believe that we're leaving the south, but we recently spent a week in Michigan and we fell in love with the church. We are looking forward to what God has in store for us and the church there. It's a very bittersweet move for us. Bitter because we're leaving so many friends, our family, and our mountains behind. Sweet because we're getting a fresh start in a thriving community and Eric is getting to do something that God has gifted him to do and getting to do it with some wonderful and godly leaders.

Please pray for us as we start this new journey. Specifically pray for us to be able to transition into this new place and role and glorify God in the midst of it. Pray that Eric will be faithful to fulfill his new role to the best of his ability. Pray that we can find the perfect house for our family to move into and all the funds needed to do so. Pray for our whole family, as I know we're going to be very homesick and grandparents are going to miss us and the grandkids. We are going to be living 10 hours from my parents and almost 13 from Eric's parents. Needless to say, we're all struggling with the thought of this distance. We and the grandparents are very sad that we won't get to see each other as much, and I know the grandkids are going to really miss their grandparents.

We truly are excited and also completely terrified. We want to bring glory to our God and serve Him well. We love everyone here in North Carolina, and we are so thankful for the relationships that God has placed in our lives to help us grow and mature. We will definitely be coming back to visit, so this isn't a goodbye forever, but a "we'll see you later." I will be trying to keep up with our family blog when we move away to update everyone on how we're doing, so follow along here for updates. :)

We love you all so much. We'll be here through the end of August, and we're hoping to make the most of our last 2ish months here. Thank you all for everything you have been to us. We're going to miss everyone more than we can say!

The Birth of Kuyper Ericsson (Long Post Warning)

In just 3 short days, our youngest child will be one! It's insane to me how quickly this past year has gone by. I know it's cliche, but I feel like I've blinked and now my baby is a toddler. This past year has been so different than I imagined it would be. Transitioning to a family of 5 was downright difficult. We had so many ups and downs this past year. I didn't feel like myself for a good part of this year because of the ugliness of postpartum depression (PPD from here on out).

I never dealt with PPD after I had Lyric. Many things came easy with Lyric that didn't with Kuyper. Neither of my labors with them were easy, and both were long, 23 and 22 hours. Breastfeeding came naturally for Lyric and me, it didn't with Kuyper. TMI here, but in the first week I had blisters and bleeding nipples from a bad latch. As Kuyper got bigger, his latch got much better, and things were easier, but breastfeeding was not something I enjoyed with Kuyper like I did with Lyric, but I pushed through because I knew it was best for Kuyper.

I've gotten a bit off topic, but all this to say, PPD was not something I was expecting. It made writing Kuyper's birth story difficult. It's honestly been hard for me to process his birth, but I'm finally to the point where I'm ready to write it all down as I remember it, a year later. I do want to put this disclaimer in here, that if you are struggling with PPD, please don't be embarrassed to reach out for help. I was at first, but I'm so thankful for a supportive husband, mother, godly counseling, and some really wonderful friends who encouraged me to get help. I'm positive God used them to save my life because things got very very dark for awhile. God is good though. I still have my moments, but I am doing so much better than I was. Biblical counseling and taking care of my health through exercise, healthy eating, and supplements has really brought me out of the darkness.

Now on to Kuyper's birth. Kuyper was due on May 20, 2016. My whole pregnancy we were preparing for the fact that I'd probably have to be induced 3 weeks early like I was with Lyric because of how likely you are to get cholestasis in subsequent pregnancies. But I never got it with Kuyper, praise the Lord, so 37 weeks came and went. And 40 weeks came and went. I had contractions off and on every day for the last few weeks of pregnancy. Several times I thought I might actually be in labor. I even lost my mucous plug at 39 weeks, but labor never came. I was so discouraged, really I was in a terrible place mentally/emotionally. I was also physically miserable. My OB wanted to induce me by 41 weeks because of how big Lyric was at just 37 weeks, and she worried about Kuyper's size. I really wasn't worried about his size, but I was so ready to have him. So we set an induction date for May 26, 2016.

I was hopeful that since this was my second baby that labor would be easier and shorter. I prepared most of my pregnancy for a natural childbirth. I read books, watched videos, practiced relaxation techniques, had a calming music playlist, made Scripture cards to get me through the toughest times, did spinning baby moves to make sure baby was in a good position, and spent so much time on my birthing ball that it seemed like it was a part of me. I had a birth plan written out, and my OB was in support of it. We would try to induce labor with a foley bulb and do what we could to avoid pitocin. I did not want an epidural because I'd gotten one with Lyric and it only worked from the waist down and I was miserable. My goal was to use water, rebozo, counter pressure, breathing, and support from my doula and husband to make it through the pain. I was prepared and confident I could do this thing, until the night before the induction. My nerves began to take hold, and I couldn't sleep. Things were starting off very similarly to Lyric's birth. I couldn't sleep the night before I was induced with her because of nerves either.

I slept for 1.5 hours before we had to get up insanely early to be at the hospital to start my induction with Kuyper. Going into labor with practically no sleep is not a good thing. The thing I love the most about the hospital I gave birth in both times is the nurses. Park Ridge has amazing nurses, and the one that started my induction was amazing. She was training to be a midwife and was so supportive of everything in my birth plan. She was very encouraging and spoke up for me when I was feeling pressured to have interventions I didn't really want. At 7:30am on May 26, 2016, I had the foley bulb inserted. I was already dilated to almost 2cm, and within a few minutes of it being inserted, I started having contractions. They were mild and totally doable, but they made it hard to get any rest. With the foley bulb I was able to get up and walk around so I could help the contractions along.

With walking, my contractions became more regular and got stronger, so I was really encouraged. I can't remember how long the foley bulb was inserted, but after several hours they removed it and I was dilated to between 5 and 6 cm. The midwife who was on duty tried to convince my to have my water broken at that point, but I wasn't ready. My nurse convinced her that we could strip my membranes and using the breast pump to see if we could intensify the contractions. We did this for an hour or two and the midwife wanted to check me again. I believe I was still at 6 cm at this point, and I agreed to have my water broken because breaking my water with Lyric really got things going.

After she broke my water, I started walking around more. The contractions were definitely more intense at this point, and some of them I had to stop and sway with my husband to get through them. I decided at this point that I wanted to get into the birthing tub for awhile. The hot water and jets were so nice and relaxing, but the contractions definitely still hurt. I believe I got out of the water so I could use the restroom, honestly all the details of the next few hours are a bit fuzzy. It was right at dinner time at this point and my dad came to bring dinner to everyone and he brought my oldest two kids to see me. This was a hard visit because my contractions were very painful and I didn't want to scare the kids with the pain I was in, but it did my heart good to see them. They only stayed for a short while, and then we were back to it.

I was really hoping when I went in that the nurse that induced my labor would be the one I would give birth with. She really was so wonderful, but sadly, I hadn't made much progress past 6cm when it was time for a shift change. I was really discouraged at this point. Labor was hard and things had been going on for 12 hours or more already. I was tired and just wanted to rest. Shift change happened, and in walked the nurse who helped deliver Lyric, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I really liked her, and she was so helpful in my labor with Lyric. She was supportive of my natural birth plan and tried to encourage me along with that plan.

I don't really remember when my OB came in, but I was having super intense contractions. She wanted to monitor my contractions with an internal contraction monitor since I wasn't progressing. She said needed to make sure my contractions were strong enough. At this point I felt so very defeated. I was in horrible pain, I'd been sitting in the hot shower on a birthing ball trying to relax through contractions, I labored in a couple of different positions, used the rebozo, several different things, but I was struggling. Then with the added internal contraction monitor and having to be hooked up to monitor baby, I was miserable. Just thinking about this point of my labor gives me anxiety. I felt out of control and pressured with all these interventions. I couldn't move or stand up for contractions because they were trying to measure the baby's heart rate, but he was being stubborn. So I had to lay back in the bed, and with each contraction I felt like I was being ripped apart.

I think when they inserted the monitor the nurse checked me to see how far along I was, but she wouldn't tell me how far I was dilated so I wouldn't get my hopes up or down. This actually really frustrated me, but I was so exhausted that I didn't really speak up. I came to find out later that I was 8cm at that check. When she checked me, I told her I wanted an epidural. She tried to talk me down and stalled me for an hour or so and they gave me fluids in case I did decide to have it. My doula and husband tried to help me with different positions to help with labor. At this point there were suspicions that Kuyper was turned sunny side up. Contractions were horrible, but I was stalling because the baby wasn't in a good position for birth. I was throwing up and shaking and felt like I couldn't relax through my contractions at all. In my head, I felt completely out of control, and I just needed to be able to relax and rest.

By the time I got the epidural, I was still at 8cm, so stuck in transition because of baby's positioning, and I'd been in labor for 17 hours or more. I knew since I was so far along in labor that the epidural wouldn't remove all the pain, but I was hoping it would do enough that I could actually relax through the contractions to let them do what they needed to do. And the epidural did just that. It wasn't like the one I had with Lyric. This one didn't even completely numb my legs, but it took the edge off the pain, and the contractions were manageable. I was very thankful, but I also worried that my mom, doula, and husband would be disappointed in me for giving in and getting the epidural. I had worked so hard to try and be prepared for a natural birth, and I felt like a failure for a long time, and sometimes still do, all because I gave in and got an epidural.

I don't regret getting it now, knowing that Kuyper was OP positioning, meaning he was sunny side up. This is why it seemed like my contractions weren't doing anything and why they were so intense. After I got the epidural, I was able to allow my body to relax, and it did what it was supposed to. The contractions worked Kuyper down and he did eventually rotate to be born in the correct position, despite it giving him a pretty decent bruise on his head when he turned.

When I got to 10 cm, I still wasn't completely effaced and needed to labor down for awhile. My nurse had me do some practice pushes to make sure I could still feel well enough to push, and I definitely could. About an hour before I gave birth, the OB wanted to give me piton just to help things along, and I guess it's also something they do to help with all the afterbirth stuff and for bleeding or something like that. Anyway, I was on the pitocin for an hour when I felt like I needed to push. I could feel Kuyper ready to come out, and the urge to push was overwhelming. By the time the OB got in and set up, I was able to push Kuyper out in 2 contractions. This was the best part of the labor. Pushing through contractions is such a sweet relief to me, and not to mention, they brought in a mirror so I could watch Kuyper be born. I thought I'd be grossed out by the mirror, but it was really the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I was so thankful it was brought it and it gave me the encouragement I needed to get him out. Pushing with Kuyper was much easier than it was with Lyric. I pushed for about 2 hours with her and ended up with an episiotomy because her big head and how hard of a time I was having. I only ended up with a minor tear with Kuyper, and recovery was so much easier.

With Kuyper, I could feel perfectly how to push him out, I could even feel the infamous ring of fire as he crowned. Thankfully, that didn't last long, but his actual delivery was so beautiful. He was put directly on my chest, they didn't cut his cord until it stopped pulsing, and we were allowed to have skin to skin time for as long as we wanted. He wanted to nurse shortly after being born, and it was so sweet. Those first few hours with your new baby are really so very precious. I was exhausted after 22 hours of labor and only 1.5 hours of sleep, but he was so worth it.

Now at almost a year old, Kuyper is the sweetest and most joyful baby. His smiles lights up a room, and he loves to make strangers smile. He also sleeps so much better than his big sister did as his age. He sleeps through the night, and he even sleeps in his own room, which is glorious because that's something Lyric didn't do until she was almost 2 years old!

I am truly thankful for all the support I had during labor and delivery from my husband, my doula (Chelsea West), my mom, and my nurses. They were all wonderful and so encouraging, even when I probably wasn't being the nicest. Now, if you read all this, you can now enjoy my birth through pictures. I promise, there aren't any graphic ones. lol. Thanks to my mom and husband for getting these photos.

Eric was fanning me while I was in the shower on the birthing ball

When I saw Kuyper's head crowning

Mother's Day 2017

Every year on Mother's Day, Eric takes photos of me and the kids. This year we have a new addition with Kuyper. Last year on Mother's Day I was 9 months pregnant with him, haha. My husband did a great job with these photos, even though our daughter was very difficult. I may have been stressed out for most of these pictures, but they're still sweet, and I'm so happy I have these. The first photos are some I took this afternoon while we were outside grilling out and playing with the kids. So enjoy!